"You've Decided To Become a Mime?!" and Other Parents' Laments
Seven Qualities of Credible Choices
Going It Alone
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"You've Decided To Become a Mime?!" and Other Parents' Laments
That Mom and Dad may have a thing or two to say about
a child's career choice is neither new nor limited to
a son or daughter who is disabled. It is commonplace
in family situation comedies that a young person has
to battle her parents when choosing a career. It can
be as mild a battle as a simple disagreement or as
great as parents refusing to pay for schooling.
In my own family, we ran the gamut. When my older
sister wanted to go to Bible college, my father flatly
refused to pay for it. He was an agnostic and did not
approve. She went anyway. When it came to me, the
issue was not belief systems but whether he would
survive to see me graduate because he was in poor
health. He wanted me in a secure job so I could
support my younger sister. My father didn't care what
major I had in college --so long as it could combine
with a teaching certificate, a stable job (in his
opinion) for a girl. He died not only before I
graduated but also before my vision problem became
unmistakable.
According to the article, "Preparing Middle School
Students for Careers," in the Urban Education Web,
"Youth who are most likely to think about their future
careers, and believe that they have a variety of
career options, have high self-esteem and are able to
understand and evaluate complex career information.
They have families that help them learn about career
choices and support their efforts, in school and
outside, to prepare for a career." Conversely,
without parental support or with poor role models
from early age, the article says, a child may
have difficulty both understanding and preparing for
career choices.
Whether your family members encourage you in your
career choice is not the end of the story. Their
attitudes towards work as well as different careers
and what is "suitable" for you will determine, in
part, how you will choose your career. What you know
about careers, what you can do and how to prepare for
a career can hang on your family's beliefs about what
constitutes valuable work and what is appropriate for
a man or woman or someone in your socio-economic
situation.
Beliefs within a family can stifle otherwise
promising futures. Jim is extremely bright and
graduated from high school after his sophomore year.
He received a full scholarship for his freshman year
at the University of Detroit to study mathematics.
But, as he explains, "Some people have poor
imaginations" -- applying this assessment to his
parents who could imagine no possible profession for a
mathematician. They would not let him apply for an
extension to four years on his scholarship, and they
would not pay for it themselves unless he majored in
accounting at a state school. Since he was 16, he was
in no position to strike out on his own. So he had to
do as they said and never went back to study math.
This sort of discouragement can happen to anyone.
While one person's parents may think beauty school a
perfect match for their child, another might
disapprove of pink collar jobs. And another might
think it's a great career for a daughter but not a
son. The 60s generation was, in part, a cultural
reaction to "establishment" values about work. There
are still people of that generation working in food co-
ops, in public radio and public television and in
other "counterculture" jobs as a result of choices
made in reaction to their family expectations.
Every generation and every kind of person can face
this challenge. One very famous example is a young man
who wanted to be a musician. His family had pushed him
in the direction of chartered accountancy. His fiancée
threatened to leave him, if he followed his dreams. He
tried to commit suicide but failed. Later he would
sing, "Someone Saved My Life Tonight." That fellow is
Elton John.
But, while any young person can face such opposition,
it is even more likely to happen if you have a
disability. For many reasons, parents may have even
less faith in your career choice. They may suffer from
the same mistaken beliefs about disability and the
same low expectations of individuals with a disability
that society in general has fostered for centuries.
They may be overprotective and afraid to let you take
risks. They may also have become vested in your
dependence on them.
Whatever the reason and whatever your situation, you
will have three choices when faced with family member
doubts about your career aspirations. You can fold and
do it their way, you convince them you are making a
good choice, or you can defy them and go your own way.
How you handle the task of gaining the support of
your family will depend on a number of factors:
- Your personal qualities and how you have
behaved in the past.
- Your specific career choice.
- Your own confidence and drive.
If you have already "fouled the nest" -- that is,
given your family cause to doubt you, you will have
some serious cleaning to do. But, even if the only
barrier to that trust you want to gain is your
family's attitude, you will have to educate them and
help them see things your way. To do that, your career
choice must be believable.
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Seven Qualities of Credible Choices
Your career choice needs to be based on nothing but
what you dream of doing -- whether you want to be a
puppeteer or a teacher or a criminologist or a member
of Parliament. But, if you want or feel you have to
have your family behind you, you will need to be able
to convince them that you are not heading into
disaster. If you decide to become a street corner
poet, so be it. But that will probably have to be
something you do on your own -- unless your father is
Allen Ginsberg (and I doubt that).
So let's take a look at seven key characteristics of
a credible career choice, one that is likely to
satisfy Mom and Dad -- or even your spouse or partner.
- You must have a track record of making sound
decisions for yourself.
If you have a history of fads and short-lived passions,
your family can't be blamed for a "wait and see"
attitude towards your latest one. You will have laid
poor groundwork if, during high school, you were
convinced you were going to be an artist and you made
them buy you the easel, paints and send you to art
camp only to become bored by that a month later. You
then quickly changed your mind and started making
similar demands around a new craze for paleontology.
If, on the other hand, you are known for constancy in
your pastimes and interest, have been fascinated by
computers or a dependable pet owner your entire
childhood, you will have an easier time letting your
family know that you will pursue a career goal as
faithfully.
If you have a tendency to give up easily when
discouraged, you will have trouble convincing Mom and
Dad that you won't fold the first time someone
criticizes or doubts you. Maybe you tried out for the
chess or drama club and gave up when you made your
first mistake. Or maybe you wanted to be advanced into
honors level classes and a teacher said he didn't
think you could handle it, so you gave up.
Since self-esteem can be a problem for disabled
people, you will, to coin a phrase, have to be twice
as sure of yourself to be considered only half as
sure. Your confidence and drive will take you far in
gaining support, but, more importantly, it will carry
you through to your goal -- with or without help.
You may not lack confidence or persistence but have
another obstacle to overcome: the tendency to make
just plain bad choices. If you cheerfully and (if you
will excuse the expression) blindly pursued dead-end
or unrealistic ends as a child and adolescent, you
will have your homework cut out for you when
presenting your latest brainstorm as a young adult.
For example, my friend Peggy and I once decided to
climb a steep knoll in our hometown, Juneau, Alaska,
and have a picnic. But, when we headed back, we did
not take the trail that brought us up but went the
opposite way down the knoll. When we reached the road
we knew was there, we surprisingly discovered it was
not connected to the hillside. There was a good-sized
gap we could not bridge, and there was a steep drop-
off below. We deserved the tongue lashing we received
from the fellow who saw us as he drove by and helped
us get onto the roadway. Then there was the time when
a friend and I were playing mountain climber on my
mom's '48 Mercury, tied together, and I cracked my
skull on the garage floor. To make two long stories
short, my decisions were not exactly stellar in my
parents' eyes.
If you are any one of these people, the short- term
enthusiast, the self-doubter or the harebrain, you
will have to erase those images from your parents' or
other family members' minds. And this holds true for
older adults, too. If you are like Seinfeld's Kramer
and can never keep a job, however great it seemed at
first, chances are you have bridges to rebuild with
your spouse or your children. Your plan for the new
career will have to include a time for repairing your
past broken promises or goals. To do this, you'll need
to start with something simpler and easier to show
your success in persistence and follow-through.
One tool at your disposal, in fact, is eSight Careers
Network. Our 19-step Career Management Guide
(select Career Management Guide for Job Seekers
on eSight's On-The-Job Ramp main page) will provide
you with a framework for starting afresh.
- You must have some skill or talent for the field
you choose.
This doesn't confine itself to people who are blind
going into flight training or truck driving school or
other areas that others just think we can't do. This
applies to other individual abilities. I once had a
friend who attended a class called, "Everyone Can
Sing." Believe me, not everybody can. Our little group
was treated to cacophonous noises every time Melissa
decided to sing for us. Another friend earned a
teaching certificate, even though he hates kids and
has zero patience with them. Another woman I knew
wanted to be a writer, but even she admitted, "I can't
even write my name on a check!"
Having the skills sets or knowing the information for
a job is one thing. Talent and innate ability are
another. If you were never cut out to be an actor, no
amount of schooling will make you one. You first have
to make sure you have a "bent" for the career you
choose. You can then build the knowledge you need for
that career over a lifetime. So, if you do have a
spark of talent or believe that you do, you will most
likely find a way to get the knowledge and skill in
school, training programs, apprenticeships and
continuing education.
Just as Jim's parents were unaware of jobs using
advanced degrees in math, your family members may
simply not be informed about today's job
possibilities. They may not know what types of jobs
there are in your chosen field or may not realize that
there is a future in those jobs. You will have to do
your research so you can create a convincing
presentation about your career choice.
An excellent tool for this research is the Occupational
Outlook Handbook. It not only lists numerous jobs
in each classification but gives the outlook for the
future of these jobs.
Another impressive set of tools can be found at
HR-GUIDE. Human resources professionals
and departments all use "classification" or
identification of all jobs and tasks in distinct
categories, so any human resources department will
have a list of these that you can use as a reference.
So, for example, if you want to work in journalism, a
large newspaper's or broadcaster's human resources
department will have complete classifications of jobs
in that sector.
You have yet another barrier to overcome, by the way.
You will have to convince people (and this may include
your family) that blind people can do that job. You
need to research and present examples of real blind
people in your chosen career and how they pursued jobs
in the field and what tools they use to carry out the
required tasks and responsibilities. This research is
a good idea, anyway, because it will provide you with
ideas about how to prepare yourself for the work.
-
You must have a clear plan for achieving your
career goal that provides your family members with
guidelines they can use to assess how prepared you
are and to note milestones in your journey.
If you can lay out a realistic program for how you
will achieve your career goal, it will be more
difficult to doubt your choice. This can be a
carefully prepared list of the courses you will need
to take in college. It can be a sound financial
projection about the costs of training. It can be a
letter from a trade union, stating your acceptance for
an apprenticeship and outlining the details of your
training. It's important that you show you have
thought through the steps for achieving your career
goal and have found no impediments.
Here's an example. You have decided to become a
pastry chef. The plan you present to your family
includes the following:
- A list of cooking schools in your area with
entrance requirements and estimated costs.
- A list of the job opportunities in this field.
- Your plan to work in food service between
semesters to help pay for school.
- Information about volunteer opportunities as a
cook or baker.
- Your offer to do the cooking for the family if
you live at home.
- You must have patience -- and lots of it.
You need to hold your temper and allow your family
some time for becoming comfortable with your career
choice so they can eventually support your decision.
As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day. If you are
young, you may have to struggle with this because
wanting to get new things underway right away is often
a natural tendency for youth. The patience you
demonstrate to others will likely be good for you,
too.
My nephew, Robert, is 38 and finally about to receive
his doctorate at MIT. He has been working long and
hard, and being patient has not been easy. But it has
paid off to practice some forbearance. His patience
with the lengthy time it took to finish his degree has
come in handy, since he was many times over-qualified
for the work he needed to do to achieve his goal. In
Robert's case, family support was not a problem
because his mother was supportive of his choice. But
he had long ago stopped receiving financial support in
a family with seven children.
Remember that everyone has his own learning curve.
Your thoughtful understanding will lubricate a loved
one's openness to your choice. Plan to have your goals
take a little longer than you might hope. Then take a
deep breath, smile and talk it out.
- You must be determined to reach your goal.
If you waver and question your decision, why should
anyone else be expected to have faith in it? It is not
rare to have a friend or loved one who has more
confidence in you than you do. Everyone needs a pep
talk now and then. But as I mentioned in the first
key characteristic of a credible career choice, if you
want family approval for a career goal, you must
yourself be fully behind it.
This may be even more applicable to a blind or
visually impaired person because, sadly, we may not be
expected to be able to handle challenges. On top of
that, you will have extra challenges in terms of both
a disability to account for and doubts from those who
should be your mentors and sponsors. If you have the
same experiences I have had, you know that self-esteem
issues among people with disabilities tend to
materialize in a reluctance to fight for what one
believes in. If your advisor or counselor says, "I
don't think you can do this," and you merely respond,
in a weak voice, "Oh, OK," you don't have a chance of
a snowball in a hot place to succeed. Your
determination to achieve your chosen career goal may
be the only thing between you and getting there.
See the article, "Self-confidence: Key to Success in
Job Hunting," here on eSight Careers NetworkTM for more
about the importance of building your confidence when
pursuing career plans.
- You must, however, also be flexible.
Yes, you must be determined, but you must also be
prepared to change course, compromise or reassess your
plans. You may need to adjust your initial plan, if
you need your family's help in achieving it. A common
example is agreeing to live at home and attend a local
school. I wanted to go to Loyola University or the
University of Illinois, but my father wouldn't pay for
either. Plus he wanted me at home to look after my
younger sister. I agreed to go to a less expensive
commuter college.
Later, in your journey, you may find you have to
adjust your own dreams a bit. You may find the
workload too great or that you must get a part-time
job. This type of realistic revisiting of your plan
should bolster instead of weaken family support of
your choice.
- You must be self-sufficient.
You have two more reasons to become as independent as
you can than the average person. As a disabled person,
your rite of passage into adulthood will have
obstacles, not the least of which come from the doubts
of family members and others who may never be able to
quite see you as anything but a child. This simply is
a fact of life for people with disabilities -- one you
must live with and deal with one experience at a time.
Without the strength of your own will and apparent
self-reliance, many others may doubt you.
The second reason for independence is that you may
very well have to do without the support of your
family entirely. If this lack of support comes from
your parents, you may actually be better off than if
that "unsupportive family" is a spouse. Young people
expect to leave their parents and live adult lives on
their own. Having to pursue plans in spite of a wife's
or husband's lack of consent or open opposition can be
even more painful. You will have to choose what is
most important to you and how much you can accomplish
on your own.
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Going It Alone
By the time you read this article, it may be too late.
The seven characteristics of credible career choices
may be irreparably compromised. You may not be able to
overcome a history of brief infatuations with careers.
You may face opposition, even if you have a clear,
achievable plan to show your family. You may run into
prejudice, or even more subtle opposition, due to a
parent's or spouse's own "issues."
In other words, you may have to decide to go for your
career without family support. Plenty of young people
do this everyday. Watch television for an evening and
you probably will see an example in the storyline of a
show.
Recently on "Malcolm in the Middle," the oldest son,
Francis, dropped out of military high school and went
to a caricature of Alaska to get rich -- in defiance
of his parents. This extreme example is nevertheless
part of our culture. As I mentioned above, my own
older sister had to go it alone to become the
missionary she wanted to be. She had to get a full-
time job in the summer to pay for tuition and board.
She had to face my father's disappointment. But she
did it, alone, and alone could take credit for her
success.
What will you have to do if you can't get your family
on board? You will have to figure out how to pay for
training or school. You will have to support yourself
both financially and in terms of taking care of
yourself. You may have to learn to be by yourself. You
will have to become your own advocate, requesting and
following up on your own accommodation needs. You may
have to be your own support system, encouraging
yourself and solving your own problems.
If you are a young person in this situation, I have
some welcome news for you. Your birth family is not
the only family you will ever have. Even the family
you start yourself is only one of the families you
will have as an adult. Your friends, place of worship,
club members and other chosen affiliations -- and,
later, your co-workers and colleagues -- will be your
families, too. Even though you leave Mom and Dad
behind, you will eventually have a chosen family
(whether you are disabled or not) which can help you
make choices, find resources, solve problems and
simply provide encouragement.
All this advice is sound for any career plan or
career change, no matter who you are and whether you
have family support. If you have family support, then
self-confidence, a good plan and realistic goals will
simply grease your way. If you do not have family
support, self-confidence, a good plan and realistic
goals can help you gain support from loved ones. And,
finally, if you do have to go it alone, you will have
everything you need to do it -- and do it splendidly!
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