How Can You Sell Yourself, if You Aren't Sold on Yourself?
Why Self-esteem Eludes Many Disabled People
When You Know the Problem, You Know the Solution
Get Help From Others and Help Yourself
Related Links
How Can You Sell Yourself, if You Aren't Sold on Yourself?
Any job seeker needs self-confidence. You need it to
feel that you can do the job you're seeking. You need
it to represent your qualifications in a positive
manner. You need it to be persuasive when you are
describing your strong points during a job interview.
You need it to negotiate a salary and benefits when you
are offered the job. Finally, you need it when you
accept and start the job so your entrée is as smooth as
possible and your time on that job is a success.
You need self-confidence and self-esteem - trust in
yourself and a good opinion of yourself - for two
reasons. You must believe in yourself to be at your
best. And you need to be able to sell yourself to an
employer. How can you sell yourself, if you aren't sold
on yourself?
In a nutshell, the entire process of getting a job is
a matter of convincing yourself and an employer that
you are exactly the right person for the job or at
least the best one out of all the applicants. All who
apply for that job will be selling themselves, too.
Like Coca Cola and Pepsi, you and the other candidates
will try to convince the "buyer," the employer, that
you are the better product.
Unfortunately our cultures often discourage this level
of self-confidence. We are told not to put ourselves
forward. People who are clearly sure of themselves are
often described as arrogant or conceited. We are not
taught that modesty and self-confidence are compatible.
Think about it. What would you think of the two soft
drink companies if they withheld their claims of being
"better than all the rest?" Imagine if their ads read,
"We're touring the country to see which drink you think
is better. We hope you choose ours, but we realize that
the other brand is very good."
Chances are those sentences made you chuckle. But
just as ads need to communicate the superiority of a
product in order to sell, so must you.
Some individuals (especially women, minorities and
people with disabilities) find it even more difficult
because of the society-wide message that they are
inferior. How unfortunate, since these are the very
individuals who have more selling to do. In addition
to convincing an employer we are great for a job, we
have to show that same employer that our visual
impairment will be little or no impediment to getting
the work done. If a non-disabled person can squeak by
without absolute self-assuredness, we can kiss many
jobs goodbye without it.
Go to Top of Page
Why Self-esteem Eludes Many Disabled People
Marcia Appleton, Supervisor of Social Services at
Community Services for the Blind and Partially
Sighted in Seattle, Wash., observed in a conversation
I had with her that self-esteem and self-confidence are
pretty much universal challenges. "Just go into a place
like the University Bookstore and look in the
self-help section. Most of the books, shelves and shelves
of them, are about self esteem." She believes that
personality and one's approach to relationships often
is more influential than a disability in developing
and maintaining a healthy self-image. We also talked
about the unique issues that arise about self-confidence
for people who are blind.
Let's start right out with the word "disabled." The
sorts of words that come up in various definitions are:
incapacitated, injured, impaired, damaged. In other
words, broken. "Blind" isn't much better when you
consider how it is used in idioms like "blind ambition"
or "blind to the truth." It seems to imply a disregard
of the obvious. Much like the word "black," it can have
very negative connotations. But James Brown sang, "Say
it loud! I'm Black, and I'm proud!" and turned the word
around. It's not easy to say, "I'm broken and proud of
it!" Even when we are admired, the connotation
generally is that it is amazing we can even function at
all. No wonder, then, that disabled people struggle
with feelings of worthlessness.
Actually, the struggle for self-esteem come from a
number of different influences. That struggle is not
confined to people with disabilities. In the Yale-New
Haven Institute, author Gwendolyn Hampton observes that
any variation from accepted standards of difference in
physical appearance can be damaging to self-image, if a
child's family brings attention to it and
overemphasizes it. If we are "broken," we generally
look different. Blind kids don't look like sighted
kids. We are often not even encouraged to improve or
take advantage of looks. To many, it seems irrelevant.
Another influence is what has been called "learned
helplessness." Disabled people are often taught,
encouraged or simply allowed to blame others for what
goes wrong in our lives. At best, we simply believe
others have total power over us. We either feel we
can't do a task at all or without help, or we decline
to do it and say "I can't help it," knowing others will
buy it. I once froze after a window in my house blew
out and my husband was sick and asleep. It took me a
moment to remember I am perfectly capable of nailing a
few boards over the empty part of the window frame.
Another example: On a talk show, a legally blind man
stated he had no choice but to be a beggar and the talk
show host, knowing no different, accepted this as true.
There is a saying that, if you are told something
often enough, you almost can't help but believe it.
Remember Marilyn in the TV show The Munsters? She was,
by every-day standards, a lovely young woman. But,
since the rest of her family constantly told her she
was ugly, she believed them -- in spite of evidence to
the contrary coming from everyone else around her,
particularly young men. If a person with a disability
hears "you can't" often enough, it can be difficult to
begin to wonder if it's not true.
This can be doubly difficult for an older person or
someone from a culture in which blindness carries a
strong stigma. As Appleton recounts, "One older woman I
met told me, 'I've spent all my life wanting nothing so
much as not to be a blind person. Now I am one.' These
filters we possess and use to judge others we can also
use on ourselves."
Appleton further points out that, any time we are
faced with learning new skills or having to adapt to a
new situation or environment, our self-image can be
weakened. "Whatever tapes of self-doubt we have playing
in our heads seem to come up again when we feel like we
have to 'start over'," she explains. Whether it is a
person with a recent visual impairment who is learning
how to do familiar activities in a whole new way or a
visually impaired person simply facing new challenges
in work, marriage and so forth, she says "we just don't
like having to start over as beginners." After
mastering life, we want to go from "new" to "expert."
"That's just not how it works," Appleton concludes.
Some observe that many people who are blind and have
low self-esteem show it in their posture, their
demeanor, their facial expressions, their gestures and
the way they speak. A self-defense trainer from
Alternatives to Fear's special classes for
visually impaired women points out that criminals often
target people who look vulnerable or look like they
will not protect themselves and that this can put blind
women and men in peril. Non-disabled women are taught
to walk briskly and with purpose to avoid attracting
victimizers. But when you cannot observe your own
appearance, as many with very low or no vision cannot,
there may be a lack of self-awareness of what signals
our body language communicates to others.
Appleton says that, whether or not a visually impaired
person has noticeable mannerisms, she may be
particularly sensitive to others' reactions or behavior
around her. A person with whom she is talking might
seem to become uncomfortable, and she may believe it is
in reaction to her being blind. This may be true, or
the person may have some unrelated stimulus. But the
blind person can internalize the perceived annoyance
and allow it to affect her self-image.
None of this negativity is founded in reality. The
truth is that having a disability means there is
simply some loss of an ability -- not of all ability.
And what we lack is not what we can accomplish or excel
in. Have you ever heard someone, a celebrity, praised
for her sight? "That Marilyn Monroe -- she could sure
see well!" I know I'm smart, a good writer, a good
speaker and a kind person. I'd be a lousy pilot, but --
hey, so what? Being a great "see-er" is not a
qualification for any of the jobs I might want to apply
for. And I don't need to be a great "see-er" because I
am great at using tools that see for me!
Go to Top of Page
When You Know the Problem, You Know the Solution
How can you improve your self-image and be confident
in the face of such influences? The two key ingredients
in improving self-esteem are objectivity and honesty.
You must be able to observe yourself in a detached way
to evaluate your skills and weaknesses realistically.
Then you must be honest with yourself. It is every bit
as bad not to recognize skill as it is to think you
have one that you don't. The Bible refers to this as
"hiding one's light under a bushel."
There are numerous philosophies and techniques for
conducting a constructive self-appraisal. In the next
section, I list several you can use as support for your
efforts. But you must do the psychic surgery yourself.
You must be diligent and unswerving in ferreting out
the "positive you" and then feed it. Here are just a
few things you can do to rid yourself of negative
self-talk.
Take Inventory. Think about yourself as if you were an
acquaintance. Make a list of all the positive things
you observe about you as a person. Don't leave out the
intangibles, such as "She is a very kind person." Do
not think in terms of what you might say about a
celebrity because entertainers are often overvalued in
contrast to those who do good, those who work hard and
those who know much. We set up impossible standards
when we dote on those people who are largely
make-believe. Think instead of this person's (your)
impact on those around her, her contributions to making
life more enjoyable or safe or rewarding.
Grow. Sometimes we lack confidence because we actually
lack a skill. So decide what you are missing and find
training. In addition, simply learning any skill or
topic can increase your self-esteem. You may be looking
for a computer-related job, but learning how to make
beautiful pottery could energize and encourage you
generally.
Accept praise. Generally, when someone pays you a
compliment, they mean it. To brush it off is tantamount
to saying that person's judgment is faulty. And it does
you no good to have two people feeling bad! Just say
"thanks!" and leave it at that. And remember what they
said. They could be right, you know! If you have such
low self-confidence in what they think about you, then
what makes you so confident they're wrong and you're
right about it?
Chill out. It is easy to take comments and reactions
personally and let them hurt your self-esteem. Take the
example cited previously about the blind woman who
senses the discomfort of a companion and assumes the
discomfort is in reaction to her disability. It may be,
but, then, so what? Why does this mean the other's
discomfort is justified? Plus it may not be about you
at all. Maybe the other person just remembered she left
the iron on or saw someone she owes money or simply has
to go to the bathroom. To sacrifice your entire
self-concept to an assumption is such a mistake. "When
the 'tape' starts playing," recommends Marcia Appleton,
"it's a good idea to have new 'tapes' ready that
dispute those self-doubting thoughts."
Give and expect respect. Neo-Pagans believe that,
whatever energy you send to others, gets mirrored back
to you magnified. Certainly it's true that people are
more likely to trust others who trust them, love others
who love them, respect others who respect them.
Respect is not fawning. It is treating another like
she is your admirable equal.
Help Others. Often being able to see the difference
you make in others' lives can reveal your value to
yourself. Simply being a good friend to someone you
care for and admire can reflect your worth back to you.
There is no person who cannot contribute to the
community at large in some way, and volunteering
(formally or informally) can be the key to seeing your
personal impact. For example, in Saco, Maine, the
Giving Garden provides opportunities for gardeners
with disabilities to grow food for less fortunate
neighbors. The project gives its volunteers a sense of
purpose, a sense of contribution to improving the lives
of others and a sense of skill and accomplishment with
very tangible results.
Go to Top of Page
Get Help From Others and Help Yourself
Here are five ways to get help from others for
reinforcing your self confidence.
Job Coach. The entire purpose of a job coach is
to help you build confidence through good decisions
based on a plan and an objective look at yourself and
your prospects.
- Assertiveness and Self-esteem classes.
It is surprising how difficult it is for most people to
tell the difference between assertiveness and
aggression. The simple definitions are:
- Assertiveness: Presenting your
requests directly and honestly.
- Aggression: Forcing your wishes on
others, including via manipulation.
Yet a large number of people will tag an
assertive request as aggressive. We have been taught
that asking for what we want is pushy. So either we
don't or we use passive-aggressive (manipulative)
behavior to get what we want. Neither is conducive to
good self-esteem. Find a class or support group locally
at a community college or recreation program or go
online to make sure you know how to be assertive.
Counseling. Many years of concentrated training
about how insignificant or inept you are takes its
toll. It can be difficult to crawl out of the hole
without expert help. However, all the counseling in the
world won't help if you don't look at yourself honestly
and make practical changes to help yourself. When
choosing a therapist. look for someone who will help
you retrain yourself to think clearly and realistically --
a cognitive therapist.
Peer group. With some training and ground rules,
a peer support group, or even just a circle of close
friends, can help mirror your negative thoughts back to
you so you can root out and destroy them. And they can
help you replace them with positive interpretations of
your character and skills. An excellent format for this
type of group is found in Barbara Sher's Wishcraft: How
to Get What You Really Want and in other resources
listed below.
Self-help materials. A good self-help book, tape
or video -- or even web site -- can provide you with
guidance in a private setting, if you are reluctant to
share your feelings at first. Here are some examples:
- Available from the National Library Service:
- Self-esteem and Adjusting with Blindness the
process of responding to life's demands by Dean W.
Tuttle and Naomi R. Tuttle; with forewords by Gil L.
Johnson, Robert J. Winn (Book # FR0199 audio and
#BR 06183 Braille)
- Valuing Yourself, Marna Owens (Book #GA0327 audio)
There are many others. Use search to locate books
about "self-esteem."
- From eBooks.com., Audible.com and on line bookstores:
- 30 Minutes ... To Boost Your Self-Esteem by
Patricia Cleghorn (eBooks.com)
- How to Have Confidence and Power in Dealing with
People by Leslie T. Giblin (Audible.com)
- Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem by Marilyn J.
Sorensen, Ph.D. (Audible.com)
- Now, Discover Your Strengths (abridged] by Marcus
Buckingham (Reader), Donald O. Clifton (Audio Cassette
- February 2001)
In the Meantime ... : Finding Yourself and the Love
That You Want (G. K. Hall Large Print Inspirational
Series) by Iyanla Vanzant
The most important thing to remember here is that,
without self-confidence, you will get absolutely
nowhere from a career perspective. There is no
substitute for it. And the payoff in the rest of your
life is an added bonus. You must take steps to develop
a realistic and positive view of yourself.
You can do it. A counselor remarked on a radio program
recently that every time one of her clients became
discouraged she would remind her of her achievements.
Take note of your own as you go along and remind
yourself of them when you fear you cannot achieve your
next goal. And, above all, be kind to yourself. You
really deserve it.
Go to Top of Page
|
